Posts from October 30, 2007

On May 21 2007, this newspaper published an article that was somehow misconstrued by some idiotic readers to imply that the funds raised to assist with the search for the missing girl, Madeleine McCann, were being misused by Gerry and Kate McCann to fund baby sitting services and countless bottles of Rioja (Gran Reserve 1987 vintage) for British holidaymakers (aka Tapas Bar 7) in sunny Portugal.

In the light of several hundred complaints from outraged readers and the threat of legal action from the McCann's Press Office (which is absolutely not funded from the Find Madeleine fund whatsoever), this newspaper is pleased to offer a full and unequivocal apology to Gerry and Kate McCann on today's front page.

After clarifying the original story with the unnamed sources, this esteemed organ will now restate the facts of the matter once and for all.

Not one penny of the funds raised (currently standing at over 1 million pounds) have been misused in any way, shape or form by the McCanns.

We know this for a fact because the money in question has, in fact, been used to make mortgage payments on the McCann's 5 bedroom detached property in Leicester, near Rothley.

Sadly, the worlds first and most prolific blogger, the Reverend Robert Shields has passed away in America aged 89. Shields was the author of the worlds longest diary consisting of a staggering 37 million words.

Shields was truly the world's first blogger with his first recorded entry in April 1927 beating Dave Winer by 3 months. Nor was Robert Shields afraid of including trivia and useless information in his journals. For example, how many blogs (or Tumblelogs for that matter) record blood pressure readings (Shields despised silly mood emoticons), make any effort to fastidiously record every single visit to the lavatory (Shields had dozens of imaginative ways to describe the act of urination) or have the thoughtfulness to detail every single piece of junk mail ever received.

Lazy, modern bloggers (with the possible exception of Robert Scoble who, coincidentally, was named after Shields) everywhere should hang their heads in shame when they learn of Shield's commitment to the blogging cause; Shields never slept for more than 2 hours to ensure he could capture his dreams.

Here is just one example of his exceptional writing:

'9.35-9.40 I cleaned the cerumen from both my ears and from both hearing aids.'

Unfortunately, although Shields has left the 91 boxes containing his life's work to a university, he has stipulated that the full contents can not be published until 2049.

I will leave the final words to the great man himself.

'It is an uninhibited diary, It is spontaneous. I type it as it comes, I don't correct it and I don't edit it.'