Posts from July 27, 2007

Please dont tell Norma but, earlier this week, I spent £25 in Shagorika. Such is the life of a sad, lonely IT consultant on a slow Tuesday night in Sunderland.

Unfortunately, contrary to my expectations, Shagorika turned out to be a rather mediocre, overpriced Indian restaurant rather than the sordid den of sexual iniquity I was hoping for.

It took me a while to summon up the courage to cross the threshold. My nerves were soothed when I was warmly welcomed by a beautiful, flirtatious lady who led me by the hand to a cosy waiting area. She gave me a complimentary drink and asked me to wait a minute while she prepared a table. A table, not a bed ! How very exotic.

I looked nervously at my surroundings; comfy seats, a well stocked bar, motoring magazines and stunning ladies peeking out from behind net curtains. Then my host returned with a warm smile: 'Sir, I are ready for you now'. And by now, I was also ready for her. In fact, I could barely contain my excitement.

My glamorous hostess led me to a table with an immaculate white table cloth, set for 3 courses with wine glasses. Perplexed, I reluctantly sat down. I wasn't really that hungry so I asked if this foreplay was absolutely necessary and whether it cost any extra.

My hostess looked a little confused, proffered me a food menu and ran back to the bar. Then the awful realisation slowly dawned. This was not a brothel but an Indian restaurant. Words can not describe my utter embarrassment and how stupid I felt. Particularly, as I had already stripped down to my vest and boxers.

I immediately and rapidly got dressed again and ordered 'The Chef's Choice'. Fortunately, I was able to bury my head in the July-August 2007 copy of Oracle Magazine to avoid the stares of my fellow diners.

Originally, I was going to savour this fine publication with my partner, in the glowing aftermath of our steamy, breathless sexual encounter. Normally, I would smoke a cigarette but a recent change in the law prohibits that nowadays.

One of my favourite sections in Oracle Magazine is the interviews with real-life DBA's. However I nearly choked on my Prawn Patia as I read this inappropriate and leading question to M. K Rizwan:

'What's your favourite tool or technique on the job ?'

I am now frantically leafing through my 157 back issues to see precisely how Tim and Doug replied to this question.

Two weeks ago, I sat in the business lounge at Newcastle airport. I chose a desk right in the corner away from everyone else because I am like that.

Inevitably, the lounge filled up with business types trying to impress everyone else by speaking loudly on their slimline toy phones.

A gentleman came and sat down next to me. He fetched an orange juice and two packets of delicious Kettle Chips (Sea Salt with crushed black peppercorns and Mature Cheddar and Chives) to occupy himself for the next 25 minutes.

Now Kettle Chips are very tasty and I am quite partial to a packet myself but when you are trying to concentrate and not partaking, the act of ripping open the packet(s) and noisily crunching crisp after crisp is incredibly irritating.

Finally, the second packet was exhausted. All the crumbs at the bottom had been shovelled down his greedy throat. Peace at last.

Peace until he got up from his chair and fetched another two packets. Not one but another two.

Now I know that food and drink are complimentary in the business lounge, but, for God's sake, Kettle Chips simply aren't exactly a delicacy that you never get at home.

This afternoon, I find myself in the same business lounge, with a new immediate neighbour for company. Incredibly, he has also just noisily munched his way through two packets of Kettle Chips.

Jesus Christ - he has just got up and and returned with another two packets (Salsa Mesquite and Sea Salt & Balsamic Vinegar).

I've had enough. I can't take any more without saying anything I regret.

I am now going to show some solidarity with the man in the street and sit in an empty departure lounge with no flight until next Monday.

As far away from everyone else, and Kettle Chips, as I can possibly get.