Posts from January 2007

I could write a thesis about this but a picture will have to suffice.

Occasionally, I used to wonder what people thought when they were subjected to some of the material on this blog. Andrew Shermans comment questioning whether this story was completely true also resurrected this thought.

Most of the articles, posts, stories on this blog are based on truth. The vast majority are anecdotes recounting real-life events that actually happened to me, that my warped sense of humour finds amusing. Examples in this category:

• Axe Murderer
• Narrow Escape
• Hamsters etc
• Eat Your Own Dog Food
• Trick Or Treat
• Smoke and Mirrors
• Anything titled YCNMIU

Other posts are simultaneously technical and non-technical but merely an opportunity for a superb, ambiguous title.

• Packet Sniffer

Another category of posts are almost completely true but embellished, to a greater or lesser degree for comic effect, normally for the punchline/conclusion:

• Holiday Highlights [I lost my footing but didn't actually fall out of the boat]
• Embarassing Purchase [I didn't really give my mum Durex for Mother's Day]
• Speech Day
• Do What You Are Told
• In Flight Statistics
• Homework Excuse
• Innocence of Youth

Sometimes I massage thoughts and ideas that would be too boring for a conventional blog entry. Imagine the tedium of a blog entry that reads 'I really enjoy the BBC series: Dragon's Den - do you ?'

A relatively small number are (obviously) complete, drug and drink induced, fiction. Normally characterised by silly names.

• Book Club
• Power Dressing
• Iris
• ETL

Single, weak attempt at satire. I always wanted to write for Private Eye.

• World Cup Diary

The biggest compliment anyone has ever paid me was when Doug Burns commented 'You refuse to sign-post things'. In fact, this was merely an observation on my blogging style but I took it as a compliment. In fact, I was so struck by this that I immediately put up a sign-post with this very quote above my desk.

You don't need smiley faces dotted everywhere telling you where to smile or laugh inwardly.

You don't need to understand all of the lyrics.

You need to be left thinking 'What on earth was that all about ?'

Great news. Bill Gates has heeded my advice and I will be able to purchase Vista online and download the media. This means that I no longer have to buy an expensive box full of fresh air from Microsoft.

Burning a DVD is probably still recommended just in case the seamless Windows upgrade fails and I discover, to my horror, that none of my drivers work any more and I have to format the hard disk in order to boot the computer.

However, I take a similar attitude to risk averse Siebel customers contemplating the recently released 8.0. I have a large and demanding customer base (son and daughter) and an integrator who wastes all my hard-earned money (wife) with a perceived requirement for 7x24 operation and high availability.

On reflection, it's probably better to let other ~~idiots~~ people suffer the pain and iron all the glitches out before I take the plunge when SP1 is released.

That reminds me; I really must ring my Dad tonight and warn him not to do anything stupid.

I am not overly surprised the Al Qaeda training camp in Afghanistan educates people about how to assemble explosive devices and avoid detection by security forces in addition to tips on identifying soft targets. The hands-on lab exercises (days 4-5) will undoubtedly assist with providing riveting content for suicide notes and how to get the soft lighting right for your exit video.

All of this hard work will be ultimately worthwhile because there is the promise of eternal martyrdom and 99 vestal virgins dressed in white lingerie. The highly prestigious Terrorist Certificated Professional (TCP) qualification will also be presented to all successful candidates on completion of the course.

However, I am a little surprised the terrorist training course also includes 'How to negotiate a discount for bulk purchases of hydrogen peroxide.'

Turning your back, as you prepare to meet your maker and detonate your device, to face a mother with a baby in a push-chair is pretty mean hearted too.

In most civilised countries, a mob would have pursued and savagely attacked the fleeing bombers. In London, a middle-aged lady said 'Excuse me. You appear to have dropped something out of your rucksack' and held up a 6 inch nail and ball bearing.

Earlier this week, I flew to my favourite city - Dublin.

Book the tickets online as normal. Check-in at the Aer Lingus self-service kiosk to get my boarding pass as normal.

My credit card isn't recognised. No problem. Just use my passport instead. My passport isn't recognised. No problem. Just enter my name instead. My name isn't recognised. No problem. Enter my booking reference number. This isn't recognised either. As this is the first time I have flown on Aer Lingus, I give up and queue up at the desk.

There is no problem. I am quickly booked on the flight and the pretty lady checks my bag and hands me my boarding pass. As I turn away, she asks 'Do you did book a ticket for a colleague ?'. 'Err, no' 'Oh - you appear to have made two identical bookings'. She suggests that I clarify the situation at the ticket sales desk.

Sure enough. For some reason, I have two identical return flights booked so I cancel one. However, the tickets are non-refundable so I am told to contact the travel agent who made the original booking.

So I call the corporate travel agent. I waste 15 minutes explaining the problem. The customer agent doesn't understand why I booked two tickets when I only wanted one. I explain it is an human/computer/administrative error. I explain that I received a single confirmation email. Then she doesn't understand why I need a refund issued. Then she doesn't understand why the airline can't issue a refund.

I explain that is absolutely imperative the customer is not billed as a result of this error. It is even more imperative that I, personally, do not lose the sum of £221. Finally, we understand each other and she agrees to talk to Aer Lingus to see whether a refund can be issued. Panic over. I board the short flight to Ireland with only a slight feeling of unease and a mental note to investigate this more fully on my return.

The following evening, I am returning to London. My credit card isn't recognised at the Aer Lingus kiosk. No problem. Type in my newly issued, confirmed, 100% correct booking reference. This isn't recognised either. Sigh. People behind me in the queue aren't moaning. They are smiling, chatting and laughing while they wait. Because they are Irish.

I queue up at the check-in desk. Lots of frantic typing. Puzzled expression. More frantic typing. The lady must be dying to look up and say 'Computer says No' but resists. 'Sorry I can find your name and booking but I can't allocate you a seat. Sorry but you'll have to go over to ticket sales.'

I duly trudge over to the queue at ticket sales. Finally I reach the head of the queue. A helpful Irish gentleman hears my story. He types frantically and looks puzzled. He says 'Would you excuse me a minute while I just ask the supervisor a question ?'

I wait patiently for the outcome but I don't need to. I know exactly what he is going to say.

'Sorry for the delay Sir. There seems to have been some mix-up. For some reason, your travel agent has cancelled your return flight.'

Siebel 8.0 is the first major release since the Oracle takeover and is now imminent.

Oracle are planning a simultaneous launch of five different products (JD Edwards, E-Business, PeopleSoft and Siebel 8.0) on 31 January 2007.

Ed Abbo (VP CRM products) will be chairing the Siebel session and SearchCRM has an interesting (albeit low quality) ~~interview~~ podcast with Ed where he talks about new features in Siebel 8.0, CRM OnDemand and the impact of the Oracle takeover on Siebel's development and strategy.

The Oracle Applications Users Group (OAUG) also has an excellent summary of the new functionality in Siebel 8.0.

IBM has published a useful whitepaper about tuning Siebel 8.0 on AIX 5.3. The paper includes benchmarks with different virtual memory page sizes and shows the benefits of simultaneous multi-threading. The paper also includes analysis of generic tuning features available in Siebel (connection pooling and threads per process).

The two key features that specifically interest me are the Siebel Diagnostic Console and the introduction of support for Linux (RedHat 4.0, SuSE 9.0).

The Siebel Diagnostic Console offers an Analytics style dashboard interface into the volumes of data produced by SARM.

Secondly, the number of Siebel customers choosing to deploy on Linux in the coming months will be interesting.

Another example of the closer integration between Siebel and Oracle is the recent announcement of a management pack for Oracle Enterprise Manager (OEM) in the recently released 10.2.0.3.

Oracle Application Management Pack for Siebel is a comprehensive solution for managing the configuration, performance, availability, and service level of Siebel CRM applications. It can be used to monitor the health of the servers and components, measure application response time, track configuration changes, and diagnose performance and execution problems.

This will be an invaluable tool for Oracle DBA's (who may be unfamiliar with the Siebel application) to easily monitor a Siebel OLTP instance and identify performance problems more promptly.

I also enjoyed last nights Did they pay off their mortgage in two years ? about a likable creative artist from Cornwall who makes interesting, arty (and high margin) stoves from VW car parts aimed at rich people in South Kensington.

The last minute of the show was a real emotional roller coaster.

Firstly, I was delighted to hear the couple's hard work had showed an unbelievable return of £104,000 profit but then shattered to hear they had fallen a paltry £1,500 of being able to pay off their mortgage in full.

My hopes rose again as 'international businessman and motivational speaker, Rene Carayol' spontaneously (and very conveniently) purchased a stove and handed them the £1,500 in cash.

Then I started to laugh uncontrollably as I struggled to assimilate Rene's closing words

'Congratulations. You have done it. You have paid your mortgage off. Now there's just one more small thing to do. Review the books and see how much you owe the tax man.'

So, although they paid their mortgage off, the couple are now saddled with a sizeable personal loan to clear their debts to the Inland Revenue.

I was fascinated by the Can Gerry Robinson fix the NHS series broadcast on BBC2 this week.

Not because I learned a lot about how the NHS works. Not because I was staggered at the simplicity of Robinson's approach. Not because I was surprised that Robinson managed to implement various changes to significantly reduce waiting lists at a Rotherham hospital in just 6 months.

I was fascinated because I have encountered so many of those issues, heard so many of those quotes verbatim and met so many of those stereotypes during 20 years in IT.

• The people who meet any sensible suggestion for improvement with an array of negative reasons why that simply won't be possible.
• The people who estimate that implementing a simple change will take months to implement.
• The retort of 'That will need another meeting to be set up.'
• The senior management who haven't got a clue about the real issues faced by people working on the shop floor.
• The people actually using the system know what the real issues are.
• The lengthy, directionless meetings which agree to 'do something' but don't assign ownership or commit to a date.
• The expensive use of 'management consultants' to tell senior management what they already know.
• Cost cutting in the very areas that need extra resources.

The ultimate irony is that having implemented the changes, re-motivated the staff and significantly reduced the waiting lists, every single poorly person in Yorkshire will now forcefully insist that their GP immediately refers them to Rotherham General Hospital. Consequently, the waiting lists will rocket, Brian James will lose his job, the consultants will revert to their old ways and the job freeze will be reinstated.

However, Gerry Robinson and the BBC will be invited back to film a second series.

Two paltry efforts by yours truly to brighten up everyones morning in the Brightside household.

1. I decided to hoist my boxer shorts as high as humanly possible in the style of Borat (although, disappointingly, mine are black not lime green). You can only imagine my wife's surprise and delight when she (finally) emerged from the bathroom to be greeted by this unexpected and wonderful sight.

2. Fifteen minutes later, following a dramatic and rapid transformation, I have changed into an immaculate dark suit, freshly pressed, crisp white shirt and an expensive Italian silk tie. I lurk outside the lounge door humming the theme music from James Bond. The volume reaches a explosive crescendo and is climaxed with 'The Man With The Golden Gun'.

I complete my preparations by carefully removing my weapon from the black leather sheath and taking off the safety catch. I burst into action and storm into the lounge announcing myself with the immortal words 'My name is Bond - James Bond'.

Then I unleash a burst of rapid fire from my gun to eliminate the three intruders lurking at the bay window followed by a head-shot to eliminate the heavily built Russian henchman, cunningly hidden under the ironing board in the playroom.

I athletically dive to the ground and shoot down the expensive crystal glass candelabra. I throw an impressive triple roll across the carpet to avoid the falling glass. I stand up to reassure the petrified children 'Don't worry. You are both safe now.' Finally, I demonstrate yet another feature of my pump-action machine gun. I casually flick a switch and the telescopic shaft extends, clicks and plumes into a black umbrella.

'Dad. Move. Your stupid umbrella is blocking the telly.'

The year end always sees lots of people post meaningless stats about blog traffic. Unfortunately, I only have tracking data since my move to Bluehost in late September but I am not going to let that stop me. Google Analytics reports:-

• 4,709 visits
• 8,036 page views
• 1.71 pages per visit
• 3,902 unique visitors

[ Note the almost linear growth in visitors over the three months. It took me ages to get that perfect straight line ] Of course, these traffic numbers are bitterly disappointing so, to cheer myself up, I analyze the AwStats reports for the same period. This makes me feel much better.

• 13,738 visits
• 54,266 page views
• 68,858 hits (even better !)
• 3.95 pages per visit
• 6,002 unique visitors

AwStats includes robots, spiders, crawlers and spam automatons whereas Google Analytics only counts human beings (and cats). Worse, Google Analytics filters out my own visits and referrals from the WordPress dashboard (which accounts for 97% of traffic) ! Oh no. What's this ? Feedburner are now offering even more blog tracking statistics and reports.