corporate jealousy
I always smile whenever I receive an email that opens ‘I heard that Stephen Hawksworth Smithers-Jones in ABC division gets…’
Over the years I have heard the following myths about the delights of working in the completely fictional division ABC.
- Unlimited broadband paid for by the company.
- Mandatory business class flights on short-haul.
- Complimentary chauffeur service from your house to LHR/LGW.
- Expenses automatically paid via psychic medium with no need for receipts.
- No need for approvals for anything from anyone.
- Prawn volavons with a garlic and tomato sauce brought to their desks at 12 noon precisely (even when onsite).
- First shout on the airplane toilet when the seat-belts sign is extinguished.
- Free laundry and ironing service when onsite for more than one night
- New laptops every quarter (subject to stringent personal, divisional and corporate performance goals). Every month otherwise.
- Complimentary invites to the client’s Christmas bash and summer BBQ (free bar and partners included).
- Secret inclusion in the company car (‘Gold - Level 3’) scheme with access to a brand new model every 3 months.
- A massive incentive payment to not to desert to main rival during any (rumoured) takeover.
- 2.6 million shares, 1.2 million stock options and 876,542 FlexPoints. Index linked.
- Contributory pension scheme; Company contributes 24 times salary. Employee contributes nothing.
It always reminds me of the advert: ‘Carlsberg don’t run an IT consultancy, but if they did, it would be like this…’