Posts from 2006

On the return flight from Newcastle to Heathrow, I was sitting behind a family who were lucky enough to be going to Sydney, Australia for a holiday. I was immediately behind two young lads (8 and 6). Obviously both were very excited at flying for the first time.

They were excited when we pushed back, they were nervous when we accelerated down the runway and they were delirious when we left the ground.

The lads were absolutely amazed when they could see the houses, rivers, mountains, railway tracks and motorways from 20,000 feet. Forty five minutes later, as we descended below the cloud base, the two boys took in the sights of London. The excitement of the youngest lad now reached fever pitch.

'Look Paul, Big Ben. Paul. Look there is Big Ben'

I glanced across. I couldn't see Big Ben but I could see a church in Richmond.

'DAD LOOK THERE IS WEMBLEY STADIUM. LOOK DAD ! WEMBLEY STADIUM'

I glanced across. I couldn't see Wembley Stadium but I could see Twickenham. Gear down. Airport complex in sight.

** 'MUM, DAD, PAUL. LOOK ! LOOK ! THERE IS SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE. SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE. LOOK !' **

I glanced across. The little boy was right. Off to the right - Sydney Opera House.

Or, in my case: Hello BMI, Goodbye BA.

Last Monday, my flight to Newcastle was cancelled and the later one was delayed. When I re-booked at Ticket Sales, I asked whether I could make use of the business lounge as a gesture for the inconvenience caused by the delay.

Ticket Sales said that might be possible and to ask at Fast Bag Drop. Fast Bag Drop said that might be possible and to ask in the Business Lounge.

Business Lounge stared at me disdainfully, in complete disbelief (even though I was wearing a suit and carrying a laptop) and said: 'But, Sir, you do not have a business class ticket so that simply will not be possible'.

When I explained my case again, the lady replied 'But Sir, if we admitted every delayed passenger into the Business Lounge, there would be (cash from) chaos'. I nearly asked 'How many delayed passengers have come here today and asked for access to the lounge ?' but instead I meekly accepted defeat.

Two hours later, when I finally got to the boarding gate. I asked a different lady: 'Can I quickly ask about the possibility of compensation for the delay ?'

She stared at me disdainfully, in complete disbelief as if I had asked whether this flight was going to Mars. She replied 'I'm sorry, Sir. Could you repeat that ?' So I did. She said 'Who told you that you could enquire about compensation ?' 'No-one' 'So why are you asking about compensation ?' 'Well there was a notice at Fast Bag Drop stating that for delays for over 2 hours, passengers should enquire at the gate about the possibility of compensation'. 'Oh I see. So why are you asking about compensation ?' 'Well my original flight was cancelled and this one has also been delayed so the total delay is now 2 hours and 15 minutes' 'Yes, Sir, but this delay is caused by the weather. There is no compensation payable for delays caused by the weather'.

Of course, I knew this but thought it would be worth asking just to see her reaction.

Some people might have expected the clock on an expensive Sony digital car radio to automatically switch into British Summer Time.

However, they would be wrong and I will now be forced to try to remember the location of the fine manual.

I thought this was simply hilarious. Thank goodness, he captured a screenshot for prosperity.

The streets of the fine city of Newcastle were gridlocked on Monday. Locals despaired as their normal 20 minute commute took 3 hours 40 minutes due to a series of unfortunate events.

• A public sector strike (against pensions) closing the Metro and a tunnel under the Tyne.
• An attention-seeking individual pretending he wanted to end his life by jumping off a lofty bridge which meant the closure of the bridge, more traffic chaos and 57 social workers being summoned.
• Another (suspicious) fire in the city.

I owe my eternal gratitude to my taxi driver who meekly suggested that I might like to consider walking 10 minutes (instead of sitting for a further 90 minutes with the meter running) back to my hotel.

Would that happen in London ? Probably not.

Rapidly approaching the point when I will no longer send amusing emails to my Personal email alias but will instead send a permalink to everyone on my Personal email alias.

But then again, I only have two friends.

Two days early. Please, please tell me that this is two days early.

The primary DNS server at Malmaison went down earlier this evening for two hours so I called reception and uttered the following question:

Ou est lInterWeb, sil vous plait ?

The kind lady replied 'Whay ya say, InterWeb down, aye - we know like, Ha'way. Do you want a canny bag o' Tudor as compensation, bonny Lad ?'

Tom Kyte has some favourite quotes so here are some of mine.

Are you still doing what you did 5 years ago ? Yeah ? Well, don't make a career out of it ? (Mark. E. Smith) All over Battersea, some hope and some despair (Morrissey)

As she parts her greying hair, voices on the stair (The Chameleons)

Every twenty minutes on the Appalachian Trail, Katz and I walked further than the average American walks in a week (Bill Bryson)

Doing so will result in obstreperous behavior, usually devoid of any amusement value. (Dynix/ptx manual on the dangers of mixing BSD and ABI socket calls)

Is there really no beginning to your talents ? (Clive Anderson to Jeffrey Archer)

Have you ever thought, just for one moment, that it might be you ? (Alan Shearer to Glen Hoddle after Luxembourg game)

And finally, for all you philosophers out there who managed to get this far

We may seem cold, or
We may even be
The most depressing people you've ever known
At heart, what's left, we sadly know
That we are the last truly British people you'll ever know
(Morrissey)

Only joking. Sorry about that, philosophers. Here you go.

Those who forget the past are condemned to relive it (George Santayana)

I just watched Arsenal beat Juventus 2-0 in the Champions League. I dont support Arsenal. I dont really care whether they win or lose. I only watched the game to kill two hours on a slow Tuesday evening in Newcastle.

In March last year, however, I was also working away from home in Gothenburg (near Sweden), watching a different game I passionately cared about.

Here is the barstool correspondent's verdict on Inter Milan 1 MUFC 0.

Well this time last year (but a month later) I witnessed United's departure from the European Cup in a bar in Amsterdam and this year it was Gothenborg's turn.

The night started badly when we couldn't get into the Sports bar as we hadn't booked a table. Good start.

Then my Swedish colleagues took me to an Irish bar which was showing the Ice Hockey playoffs as Gothenborg were playing. Nice one.

So we sat down to eat and I was promised that the hockey would be over soon and I could see the 2nd half. Great. Thanks for that. Food took absolutely ages - it was only a burger for Pete's sake and when it came 40 mins later the chips were bloody cold. Thanks for that.

Eventually got to see 2nd half. We never got close to a shot on goal. 2 games and hardly a shot on target let alone any goals.

Their spawny goal looped over Tim Howard but still, at least we have got rid of Roy Carroll. Yeah Ruud wasn't fit, Giggs got a nose-bleed, Rooney is too young, Scholes had two bad games, Keane is fine in Premiership but too old for this level, Ronaldo's a greedy, showboating teenager but let's see some PASSION and FIGHT. We needed to go out and win tonight's game !

And now we have to put up with Chelski and their oh so clever manager in the media for 2 months !

PS. Did you happen to see Lyon's result 10-2 versus Werder Bremen - yes that is not a typo 10 goals against 2 goals. So Fergie's squad rotation against Fernabache doesn't look quite so clever now, does it ?