Posts from 2006

HDTV. Robert Scoble is an intelligent chap but has some truly bizarre thoughts. This theory is perhaps the most bizarre of all.

Playing is better than watching. Watching in the ground is better than HDTV. HDTV is better than TV. Watching on TV is (sometimes) better than listening on the radio.

To achieve success at 'soccer', you actually need to run around on a field not slump in front of TV with four gallons of soda and a mountain of cheesy nachos. If the latter was the criteria, England would surely have lifted the last two World Cups and European Championships.

When I visit customers, I am usually granted read-access to production servers. Mostly I am working closely with IT staff to explain what I am doing and why. I am not normally granted the passwords to administer the production system which is just the way I like it.

Otherwise, Siebel server CRMPROD1 which has been working fine for 2 years, unexpectedly core dumps, the call center is down, the business is losing 2 million dollars every minute and everyone is staring inquiringly in your direction.

Occasionally, the screensaver kicks in after a predefined interval. So the person has to unlock the screen. However, if the person is in a meeting or otherwise unavailable, the screen remains locked until he returns. This can waste valuable time so I prefer to keep the screen accessible at all times, if at all possible.

Consequently, I find myself acting like John Locke in 'Lost' who has to strike a key on the keyboard of a computer every 2 hours to avoid dire (yet unknown) consequences.

So, don't be surprised if you are working with an Oracle consultant who nervously keeps looking at his watch during a fascinating conversation about Siebel architecture. If he then rudely and abruptly terminates the dialog by hurtling back to his temporary desk and launches into a desperate, full length, athletic dive across the room to desperately hit a random key, that's why.

This superb photograph from NASA gives me a taste of what I missed.

Finally. All that painstaking effort creating multiple splogs, scribbling my blog URL on whiteboards at every client I visit, commenting twice daily on the A listers, spamming the newsgroups and bribing people for inbound links has paid off.

This humble blog has finally broken through the 100,000 barrier. > Day 324. Technorati Rank: 96,498 (56 links from 32 sites)

Poor old Doug (a lowly 1,389,569) needs to pull his finger out. My life is complete. Almost.

This lunchtime, after getting my phone past security, I visited the toilet at the same clients offices. I was staggered to see a sign above the urinal that had another red 'No Entry' sign that said:

'STOP ! If you wish to use this space, please call Facilities Management on Ext 3131. Reference TZ 864'

So I dutifully stopped, zipped my flies up, walked to the sink and called Ext 3131.

'Hello. I would like to use the space - reference TZ 864'

'Hold on. I will just put you through'

[ A good job I wasn't actually holding on ]

'Good afternoon. FM, Sheila speaking. How may I help you ?

'Hello. Norman Brightside here. I would like to use the space at TZ 684'.

'Oh I see. Do you have a specific campaign in mind ?'

'Err, well, no. What do you mean by a campaign ?'

'Well - Recycle more printer cartridges. New deli range available in the Atrium restaurant. Availability of Single Sign On for another 7 IT systems. Discounted dry cleaning. Reinforce the corporate mission statement. That sort of thing.'

'Oh I see. Well no. This is more of a personal matter.'

'Oh I see. Well is it to advertise a pub quiz night, five-a-side tournament, sponsored fun run, apartment to let in Portugal, double buggy for sale, tickets for a Chelsea game. That sort of thing'.

'Well no. Actually I was just hoping to use the, err, facilities here.'

'Oh I see. Where are you calling from ?'

'The mens toilets in Block 43.'

'The mens toilets ?'

'Err, yes. Just by the sink'

'And you just want to use the toilets ?'

'Yes.'

'Oh I see. So why did you call me ?'

'Well the red, no-entry sign said "If you wish to use this space, call FM on Ext 3131"'

'Oh I see. Well is there a similar sign above the middle urinal ?'

'No'

'OK. Well use that one. Good-bye.'

This morning, I was waiting at reception in a clients offices and was filling in time by casually reading the various notices.

One, with a red No Entry sign, caught my eye:

'STOP ! If you are in possession of any camera equipment, please call Group Security on Ext 4141'

'Group Security. Alan speaking. How may I help you ?'

Good morning, Alan. Norman Brightside here. I just wanted to let you know that I have a camera.'

'OK (pause). Well, Norman, I don't seem to have a completed C43 dispensation form from you.'

'I know. I haven't filled in a C43 dispensation form.'

'Email it over and that will be fine'

'I can't email it over'

'Why not ?'

'I don't actually work at these offices'

'Oh I see. What office are you from ?'

'I don't actually work for ABC Corporation. I am just visiting today.'

'Oh I see. Well why are you bringing a camera onsite ?'

'Well it's not a camera exactly but my mobile phone can take pictures.'

'Oh I see. Well as you are not a permanent employee and as it isn't a real camera, that doesn't matter so much so just sign in and that will be fine.'

Strange. I would have thought visitors with concealed camera equipment would have represented the biggest risk to corporate security.

Saturday 1 July

Get sent off. Lose to Portugal on penalties. After the game, Sven is absolutely distraught. He is inconsolable, head in hands, weeping quietly, alone in the corner. I feel guilty and go over to apologise.

'Sorry, boss. I have left myself down, let the team down, let the country down, let the fans down and I have let you down.'

'I can't believe it. 22 players, 6 assistant coaches and 15 FA officials and no-one thought to get me a leaving present'

Sunday 2 July

Fly home. Thankfully, there are no hanging effigies of me (like Becks got) but I notice that graffiti about me and 'Grannies' is still in the arrivals hall at Speke Airport.

Message on answerphone from Fergie. He wants to see me at Carrington tomorrow morning. He doesn't sound pleased.

Monday 3 July

Fergie gives me the full hairdryer treatment. He is mad about my sending off and the tangle with Carvallho. He is worried that I may have damaged my metatarsal on his testicles. Another scan.

Then he says he wants my thoughts on (another) Keano replacement. I say that I would personally prefer Carrick as he would be better for my game but Owen Hargreaves is stronger in the tackle and has incredible stamina. Fergie interrupts and says 'No. Not them. I've had a word with Moyesy and we're getting Phil Neville back on a free'.

Tuesday 4 July

Night out to watch Italy-Germany with Gary Nev and Giggsy. Call Steven Gerrard who is too 'tired'. Call Michael Owen to see if he fancies a knees-up. Slams the phone down on me. Frankie Lamps is up for it and drives 180 miles but loses his way right at the end.

Wednesday 5 July

Portugal lose to France. Text Ronny after the game to offer my commiserations and clear the air. He is inconsolable. The presidential elections at Real Madrid didn't go as he hoped. He fears he will be back at OT next season. Get Carvallho's number and call him too to sympathise 'That was never a penalty mate'.

Thursday 6 July

Ruud calls to ask when pre-season training starts. He sounds a bit strange. Maybe it's because he had a disappointing World Cup too. I tell him I'm worried that Ronny will be a ball-hog next season and never release the ball or pass to us. Ruud makes a funny noise that scares me a little. He tells me that he simply can't wait, can't wait, can't wait to lay eyes on Cristiano Ronaldo again.

Congratulations to Italy. They deserved to win as they scored two sublime goals and played the game to the bitter end in the right spirit and style.

Why - I haven't seen so many Germans lying on the turf in crumpled, disconsolate heaps since Barcelona in May 1999.

At times, the BBC made me feel I was the only person in England not supporting our new best friends, Germany.

Still, if I had just enjoyed a 6 weeks, all expenses paid holiday in Germany, enjoying the hospitality watching all the World Cup games, I would probably feel the same.

As for France versus Portugal, that's a tricky one. I can't decide who I want to miss the decisive penalty more - Onnn-Reeee or Ronaldo.

Dear Peter Crouch

Listen to Gary Neville. This time, there are no excuses. No ifs, buts or maybes. The hangovers have subsided. We have all taken those stupid flags off our cars and are now looking forward to next season. Let's face it - England simply weren't good enough.

As you had only played 60 minutes football and were the only recognised striker on the pitch, I wondered why you didn't step up for one of the first four penalties ?

Was it because you were so tired ? Was it because you lacked confidence in your own ability ?

Was it because you were going to take the final penalty ?

Then I remembered - it was probably because of memories of your last ludicrous, pathetic, laughable attempt at a penalty against Jamaica in a recent friendly.

Yours sincerely

Norman Brightside

Remember. You heard it here first.