Posts from July 2006

whats in a name ?

IT

Theres nothing worse than slaving away all day over a hot keyboard trying to coerce various pieces of software to synchronise a single customer record from one legacy system to another.

Of course, the mouth-watering and long awaited climax to a hard days graft (and knowledge transfer) finally arrives at 18.47 when you are tired, irritable and just want to go home.

This is it. This is your moment. Seize the day. You are poised of the edge of greatness, about to scale your own personal Everest.

There is only one thing stopping you. We have to choose a name for the 'customer'.

Your heart sinks as the integrator pauses for an eternity, pauses again, looks enquiringly and then suddenly types in:

Username: TESTUSER FirstName: TEST LastName: USER

You politely plead: 'That's really not a good name to use.' 'Why ? Oh wait. I get it. We will need more than one account for testing.' Your mood darkens still further as he modifies the data:

Username: TESTUSER1 FirstName: TEST LastName: USER1

You snap and the wafer thin veneer of professionalism and consulting is shattered. 'Excuse me. Can I drive for just one minute ?'

Username: MSTIPE FirstName: Michael LastName: Stipe

A small point admittedly but one that significantly increases the satisfaction levels for everyone concerned when that confounded customer finally appears on the other side.

All of which reminds me of another story.

out of sight

uk

My long suffering wife and I celebrate our wedding anniversary every year in July.

To mark this momentous milestone, ~~I buy her flowers, chocolate, champagne and book a corner table at our favourite restaurant~~, the wife takes the kids camping in the New Forest with her girlfriends while I make the annual pilgrimage to the Hook Norton Festival of Fine Ales with my mates.

So, if you'd like to read something from me in a different style, full match reports for the 2002 and 2003 festivals are already available online together with photos of a human pyramid. We even have our own stalker.

So, it transpires that my first blog article was actually written four years ago - not just a personal web journal but collaborative blogging (Blogger) and social networking (Flickr) and I didn't even know it.

The Smiths nostalgia

A video of Jean (unplugged) with Sandie Shaw on vocals and Johnny Marr on acoustic guitar in Kew gardens surrounded by Morrissey, Rourke, Joyce and assorted children.

I think I might wake up tomorrow morning to discover I dreamt all this. If so, I apologise profusely in advance.

is it just me ?

IT

When you are in a crisis meeting, and a consultant or project manager says We desperately need an intervention from ABC - now !, do you ever find yourself idly scribbling the lyrics from Interpols Say Hello To the Angels on your pristine pad of white paper ?

This is a concept This is a bracelet This isn't no intervention

Two hours later, in the same crisis meeting, when the same consultant or project manager forcefully asks 'Is Freddie Geekmeister from Advanced Technical Support engaged ?', are you ever tempted to reply 'No. As far as I know, Freddie Geekmeister is currently a bachelor of this parish'.

When the ratio of the combined letters of the To: and Cc: distributions lists divided by the number of letters in the email is high, do you ever find that the relevance and worth of the actual content is correspondingly low ?

When you say to someone, 'I got your mobile phone number off your .signature so thanks for that and they reply 'You're welcome', are you ever tempted to reply 'Well actually no I didn't because you don't have a .signature so I had to ask 8 different colleagues from 3 different companies which wasted 37 minutes before I finally tracked you down'.

And when the crisis meeting finally draws to a close, and the project manager spontaneously asks you to read out aloud, to all 17 attendees, those three, crucial, important, decisive actions that he has seen you jotting down on your A4 pad, which will immediately rectify the situation, do you ever find yourself in a mild state of panic ?

Or is it just me ?

YCNMIU

I just booked a flight to Oslo and noticed that under Meal Options alongside Vegetarian, Non-dairy and various religious preferences was the intriguing option of Bland so of course I immediately selected it.

I simply can not imagine how plastic airline fare could be made any more bland.

Will a cabin stewardess really waltz down the aisles demanding 'Did anyone ask for a bland meal ?'

Stay tuned.

spot the hyperlink

I was enjoying a scan through the archives of Andrew Shermans incisive, witty (and occasionally downright scary) blog when I suddenly thought Hey Andrew - where are the links ?'

Then I realised. The hyperlinks are actually embedded in the title which is exactly where they should be.

At last. After 7 months, I have finally discovered something useful you can do in Blogger which is not (currently) supported in WordPress.

football nostalgia

Dougs post about early memories of attending football matches got me thinking.

Years ago, I was a LMTB (League Match Ticket Book) holder at Manchester United and went to every home game at Old Trafford. An LMTB was similar to a season ticket but only entitled the holder to attend League Matches with no priority for FA Cup tickets.

Consequently, whenever United got to the latter stages of the FA Cup, there was a black market in the Manchester Evening News for the little numbered tokens that were printed in the matchday program. You needed a large number of tokens (including reserve games) to get a ticket.

However, my father was a bank manager and then, as now, the majority of tickets for big football matches went to corporate hospitality rather then the true fans.

So, on Saturday April 3 1976, on a beautiful sunny day, my Dad and I crossed the Pennines to see United play Derby in the FA Cup Semi Final at Hillsborough.

The tickets had 'Exeter FC' imprinted on the back and we were in the wrong end (Spion Kop) and all the United fans were at Leppings Lane but none of that mattered. I was so excited and nervous, I could barely converse properly.

We got into the ground early to watch the ground slowly fill up, soak up the atmosphere and enjoy the fans taunting each other. Inevitably, there were pockets of United fans scattered on the massive, steep terrace at Hillsborough.

United had a young team, managed by Tommy Docherty and were riding high in their first year back in Division 1 after promotion and Derby were the reigning champions.

Gerry Daly gave United the lead in the first half but my main abiding memory of this game was late in the second half when United were awarded a free-kick at our end. Gordon Hill stepped up and produced a swerving, curling free-kick past the despairing hands of the Derby keeper into the corner. 2-0 to United ! The ground exploded, the noise was unbelievable and the whole stadium was a moving sea of red and white.

When the game ended, United fans invaded the pitch to celebrate. Inevitably, a significant minority came to the Kop end to taunt the Derby fans. Some Derby fans responded and joined them on the pitch and the press carried pictures of the resulting 'ugly scenes'. I can vividly remember trying to leave the ground and taking refuge in a concrete backwater as United fans started to get onto the Kop terrace and most peace loving supporters desperately tried to get away from the chaos.

All in all, a fantastic day out.

30 second guide to CRM

crm

Another in the recently launched and incredibly unsuccessful ‘30 second guide’ series.

After learning all about data warehousing, I didn’t see Sue for a while. I assumed she was working elsewhere on a long term project. However, after 18 months I finally managed to track her down.

For some inexplicable reason, she had left IT (and data warehouses behind). She lived, alone but content, in a Crofter’s cottage in a remote part of Scotland making tartan rugs. She looked a little surprised but pleased to see me on her doorstep.

‘So Sue - what about all this CRM stuff ?’

Sue sighed. ‘Norman - what do you want to know now ?’

‘Well - the let’s take this Pareto Principle for starters’

‘The Pareto Principle states that for all businesses, 20% of the customer base delivers 80% of the profit.’

‘Oh I see. Well how do I identify that elusive, profitable 20% ?’

‘That, Norman, lies at the very heart and is the central tenent of Customer Relationship Management (CRM). Solving that problem is the Holy Grail of CRM’.

‘Oh I see. I keep hearing these clever marketing types talking about “propensity to churn”. Are they feeling unwell ?’

‘Propensity to churn refers to the likelihood of customers terminating their contract and going elsewhere. If you have always bought your gas from British Gas for 24 years, always had a BT phone line and always used the same bank, then your ’propensity to churn’ is low. If you switch mortgages every two years chasing the cheapest rate, then your ‘propensity to churn’ is much higher.’

‘I see. So what is a segment ?’

‘A segment is a simply a set of customers. Remember sets and Venn diagrams at school. Take the set of all male customers. Take the set of customers aged 30-35. Take the set of customers earning over 40K. Take the intersection of all three sets. That is a segment.’

‘Well that’s easy enough. And what about this so-called nirvana of 1:1 marketing ?’

‘Marketing people think that the smaller and more selective a segment is, then the higher the chance of selling to that segment. The smallest segment (with the highest possible chance of selling) is obviously a single person. However, you need a lot of criteria (information about the individual) to derive a segment of one. However, that is what marketeers dream of at night.’

‘I see. What about a channel ?’

‘Telephone, TV, radio, internet, newspapers, letters, billboards - any way in which you can interact with a company’

‘Err - how do I ’interact’ with a billboard ?’

‘You may not think it but you are subliminally reading the marketing message.’

‘Lifetime value ?’

‘Exactly what it says on the tin. How much money are you worth over your lifetime to a company. One element of the Pareto Principle is that some customers (out of the 80%) are bring in less money than they cost to administer. People who pay off their credit card balance in full every month are just one example. Identifying these customers and losing them may actually be beneficial to the business.’

‘One last question. What is cross-sell and up-sell ?’

‘Cross-sell is selling you home insurance when you call to renew your motor policy. Up-sell is selling you that Uninsured Loss Recovery that no-one understands, wants or needs or the expensive travel insurance bundled with your holiday.’

‘Well Sue. Thanks a lot. That was really informative but you did drone on for rather more than 30 seconds.’

‘I know Norman. That’s the nature of CRM for you. Cliches and 24 words where 1 would suffice. Would you like a rug in the Brightside tartan to take home with you ?’