Posts from June 2006

When you are trying to print something in a hurry, there is nothing worse than discovering that your work of art has just been queued behind a monster 764 page document.

As you are stood by the printer wondering whether to hang around, return to your desk or to submit the job to that printer on the fifth floor, the printer LED displays 'Attention: Out of Paper'. Naturally, there is no paper in the print room so you go to the stationery cupboard for more ammunition and load Trays 1, 2 and 5.

Excitement slowly builds as printing resumes and the job slowly advances to page 369. Your heart sinks as the confounded LED lights up again. Panic and manic depression set in as you see the words 'Attention: Paper Jam - Area 6C'. You press a few buttons and follow the online diagnostics which gently lead you step by step (with pictures) to the precise location.

You have to open various doors, lift various flaps and push various plastic, purple coloured levers to perform open heart surgery on the innards of the LaserJet. Unfortunately, you misinterpret Figure 3B and scald your hand on that metal bar that gets as hot as a blast furnace.

Finally, you manage to identify the cause of the paper jam in Area 6C and extract the offending sheet carefully. You gleefully fold it up and consign it to the blue recycling bin and hope page 412 wasn't that important. You are ecstatic.

The 764 page document finally completes followed by a slight delay while the printer pauses for breath. Finally your single page is ejected. Rather inconveniently, the printer decides to switch to A3 paper just in case the intended reader is short sighted but still.

You are about to triumphantly depart and soak your hand in freezing water. The owner of 'War & Peace' rather conveniently arrives at the printer to collect his tome and says 'Oh is that my document ? I hope it didn't hold you up. Thanks a lot.'

England qualifying for the last 16 in the World Cup after those two very mediocre displays.

I was travelling on a train in Stockholm today when a man walked through the carriage selling something. Unlike London, he wasnt flogging copies of the Big Issue to feed his dog or demanding money with menaces.

Instead, this gentleman simply proceeded to place small cards on each vacant seat. He did this very quietly and politely and then returned to his original position. Despite craning my neck and desperately trying to look at the cards while simultaneously trying to look completely disinterested, I couldn't actually discern what was on offer.

This lapse was caused by an innate fear of missing my stop and spending another 75 minutes trapped, wandering aimlessly in the rabbit warren that is Stockholm Central Station. However, I managed to determine that it was either an English language school with beautiful, buxom blonde teachers or Stockholm's newest lap dancing bar.

To my amazement, after 2 minutes, the gentleman repeated his walk through the carriage, reclaimed all of the cards which had lain undisturbed by any passengers. He then disembarked, presumably to repeat the exercise on another train.

Full length version (3 mins) of the Carlsberg advert featuring some older England players with some nice touches.

I am one of those 40-50 year olds who disagree with Stowe Boyd who predicts the death of newspapers in the not too distant future.

I like newspapers. You can take them in the garden. You can take them on the train, bus and plane. Newspapers are ubiquitous, relatively cheap and convenient. Yes I could pay to download selected stories to my mobile device but I've tried that and it simply doesn't work. My eyes aren't good enough to squint at a minuscule screen.

Mind you, Stowe lives in America so, when you consider the quality of printed media ('Cat rescued from tree') being thrown into his driveway, maybe he does have a point after all.

Don't forget to check back in 10 years time to see who was right.

For the most part, unsung and largely unnoticed at Chelsea. Simply outstanding for Ghana against high quality opposition (Italy) yesterday. Continually in the action, absolutely everywhere, superb fitness levels, great tackler, decent passer, suspect temperament.

Essien is the tailor-made replacement for Roy Keane. United fans can only hope Ballack's arrival puts Essien on the bench or in the reserves and that he won't just sit there and take the money (cf. SWP).

A superb photograph of Englands (own) goal in the World Cup opener versus Paraguay.

I dont think I could have a higher opinion of any footballer than I already had of the Irishman, but he rose even further in my estimation at the Stadio Delle Alpi. The minute he was booked and out of the final he seemed to redouble his efforts to get the team there. It was the most emphatic display of selflessness I have seen on a football field. Pounding over every blade of grass, competing if he would rather die of exhaustion than lose he inspired all around him. I felt it was an honour to be associated with such a player.'

Alex Ferguson on Roy Keane after the European Cup semi-final in 1999.

[Via United Rant]

I am really sorry that we have 125 German tourists staying in the hotel.

The waitress actually meant Sorry for the delay but we have... but it still reminded me of Fawlty Towers and raised a smile

Psst. I have managed to beat the banning order and have now safely arrived in Stockholm (near Sweden). I evaded the hordes of police spotters at Heathrow by checking in immediately behind a screaming infant with a glum face (me not the baby). I also sported a linen jacket and a laptop to complete my cunning disguise.

I was proudly telling a group of German ladies from Munich (World Cup widows) of my escapades in the confines of the hotel lift. There was a lengthy pause and they all looked really interested (or perplexed) until a Deutsche Fraulein uttered:

'Until you insert your door card in that slot, we won't even be going to the 10th floor let alone Nuremberg, Englischer Dummkopf'.