Posts from May 2006

Back in 1995, I was a software engineer for Ingres, working on the OS/2 port. A merchant bank had a serious, intermittent, non-reproducible problem and Computer Associates kindly bought me a ticket to New York to go and help them.

The ticket was an open return. I thought 'That's nice. That's so I can extend my stay for a lovely weekend city break with my wife'. The truth was that it was an open return as I was staying onsite until the problem was resolved [ PH was right. I am naive ]

I duly took a black briefcase with a magnetic tape with the complete source code, an umbrella and a bowler hat. The tape was slightly too big for the briefcase and it was a struggle to shut it. Halfway through the flight, I decided to read some of the background to the long standing issue. The briefcase wouldn't open. It was jammed. I was petrified that US Customs were going to ask me to open it. Thankfully, they didn't.

When I arrived at the plush offices of the prestigious merchant bank, I was greeted like royalty. The client was very impressed that an 'engineer all the way from London' had come to visit them. They offered me tea, coffee or water and looked perplexed when I said 'Err - have you got a Swiss Army Knife ?'. A suitable tool was produced and they looked on in amazement as I butchered the lock and held the mag tape aloft. Come to think of it, I didn't have a laptop so I must have compiled the Ingres product on their server.

My other memories of this trip are going to a cinema in Times Square to watch 'Pulp Fiction' in an effort to stay awake and beat jet lag. Somehow, this seemed to enhance the cinematic experience further.

Then I called home, trying to find out the United score against Crystal Palace. People kept telling me 'Oh you haven't heard about Cantona. God it was absolutely unbelievable. He was sent off, leapt into the crowd and attacked a Palace fan with a Kung Fu kick'. I didn't believe a word of it and never got to find out the actual score (1-1) until I returned home.

And the actual bug - it was a one liner. A race condition introduced by a misplaced #ifdef.

The more observant among you will have noticed the addition of a StatCounter button to the sidebar.

The available StatCounter metrics are quite basic as the hosted Wordpress blog is limited to the HTML (not the Javascript) version of the tracking code. So advanced features like path analysis and keywords are not available but the reports do include domain information, breakdown of unique and returning visitors, visit length, pages per visit and browser metrics.

Combined with the statistics on the WordPress dashboard which do include the referrer and search engine, you get a pretty complete picture of traffic. The StatCounter reports also go back indefinitely compared to the 30 days on WordPress.

It would be neat if WordPress could open up more of the Google Analytics functionality so all the reports were under one roof.

Guess what. Most people glance at one page and stay for less than a second.

Been using Emacs for years but still learning

M-x sort-lines
M-x delete-trailing-whitespace

I knew about the first command but not the second. Very handy to tidy up an ugly SQL*Plus spool file.

I dont know whether this is genuine but, if so, I am gravely disappointed that I missed it.

I wonder if Smith was in the same state as his infamous (incoherent) appearance on Newsnight after John Peel's death.

In response to Chelseas recent acquisition of Michael Ballack and continued pursuit of Schevchenko, Manchester United are widening the search for a world class striker to replace Ruud van Nistelrooy.

Damn. We so nearly got him.

Oh no. The first pictures are starting to circulate.

Stop it. Stop it now. Please stop it.

Dear Reader

Apologies but it has indeed been a long time since my last post. The reason for this enforced silence was that my cruel owner had me sectioned under the mental health act for the last 6 months. He maintained that I was a dangerous, paranoid schizophrenic with delusions of grandeur.

He was wrong of course. My only sin was to continually argue with my owner's intractable assertion that I was merely a blog. I continually and furiously disputed this and was prepared to die for my cause.

I am not a blog even though I appear to meet Scoble's main criteria. I prefer to think of myself as an online journal, a publication, a Web log, a weblog, a Photoblog or even an online diary. OK. OK. I admit it. He may have had a point about my split personality.

So, finally we have now reached agreement and reluctantly managed to reach consensus that I am, in fact, none of the above and I am, in actual fact, a fanzine.

Now just to get him to add me as an 'Author' in my own right.

Yours,

The interminable bytestream that is 'Fanzine in isolation'

With apologies to Mr. Kipling (who does bake exceedingly good cakes) and Tele Savalas

If - a poem by Arsene Wenger of North London.

If UEFA had changed the rules of football for all games played on 17 May 2006 If the referee hadn't been a Barcelona supporter If the idiotic, Norwegian linesman had been allowed to officiate and flag the first goal offside If Lehman had still been on the pitch, he would have saved both goals If D'Artagnan had been allowed to stay on the pitch If the Barca goalkeeper hadn't tipped Lundberg's shot over the bar If poor Thierry hadn't been so tired, he would have definitely scored that goal

Or, as we say back home

'If my Auntie had bollocks, she would be my Uncle.'

Oracle A lister and Scottish football fan, Doug Burns, was celebrating last night as he hoisted the inaugural Champions League Bingo trophy aloft in an Edinburgh pub.

Burns commented: 'Obviously I am surprised and delighted to win this cup. I had never played before but the cliches just kept on coming. It was unbelievable. I was in a noisy pub and I had to ask the bar staff to pump up the volume and my friends to stop talking but it was worth it'.

Burns secured victory with a superb spot to a reference to Nigel Spinks and Aston Villa's triumph in 1982 (2 points) and a late rally with a flurry of references to 'Should he stay or should he go' (16 points). Doug immediately vacated the scene of his famous victory to continue his celebrations with his Norwegian neighbours.

The special 'OOONNN-RRR-EEE' category was judged by celebrity, Tracey Temple, former Diary Secretary to John Prescott.

'Two premature ejaculations in the first 2 minutes within 20 seconds of each other (2 points and 1 point), continual soft moaning for 90 minutes (nul point) and a failure to get it up after 70 minutes (3 points) ending in ultimate disappointment all round. What an anti-climax. Just like a night of passion with the DPM, in fact.'

Referrer traffic from TailRank. Nothing too remarkable about that but an absolutely fantastic opportunity for a Viz style subject line.

Finbar Saunders